


I’m Not Okay

by AnonymouslyDead



Category: Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Anti Mutant Sentiments, Billys depressed, Depression, Family Issues, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mentions of Wandavision and Dark Apokolips movie, Reference to super juvie, Tommys upset about his traumatic past, referenced abuse, shit parents, the kaplans and Teddy are awesome, they have a Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-25 16:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30091725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymouslyDead/pseuds/AnonymouslyDead
Summary: Tommy and Billy are not having good nights. They talk it out before the Kaplans and Teddy make it better.
Relationships: Billy Kaplan & Tommy Shepherd, Teddy Altman/Billy Kaplan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	I’m Not Okay

Tommy stood outside the window. He shifted his weight between his feet, staring holes into the red curtains glowing with yellow light. He peeked around the apartment building and counted up the rows of darker windows once more only to find that he was at the right window again. He looked back at the window with no other choice.

He raised a hand to knock, but he froze midway. His nerves felt alight with nervous energy. His thoughts raced faster than usual, claiming that he didn’t need to do this. He could go for a run. Run faster and faster far away from this building. The more he thought about it, the more appealing it sounded. 

But then, the curtains suddenly swept away, and the window slid up. Tommy jumped, readying himself to zip out like a startled deer. Instead, he stared eye to eye with his brother. His hands were raised to do his magicky business and even alight with blue electricity, 

“Tommy, what the hell?” Billy relaxed with a breath, the tension and magic dispeling easily. It was quickly replaced with an annoyed look. “I almost zapped you to Mordor.” 

“Aw, is that any way to treat your twin, nerdy brother of mine?” Tommy quipped, because that was easier than answering. Than thinking. 

Wasn’t it always? 

Billy narrowed his eyes. “You know you can just use the door right?” 

“Aw, but where’s the fun in that? Move over.” Tommy nudged Billy, pushing past him to climb in. Billy’s room was the same as it always was. Discarded clothes dotting the floor here and there, pop culture references he vaguely recognized plastered everywhere, a sleep rumpled bed, the battered bean bag chair deflated from too many gaming sessions...Tommy plopped himself down on the chair, letting himself sink in. Reliable was what it was. Tommy let his eyes slip closed for a second and let the feeling take his thoughts for a moment. 

But then, he heard Billy walk closer. He heard his bed’s springs creak under his weight and felt his eyes on him. He didn’t have to ask. Tommy knew the question, and the answer shattered that comfort. He sat up more in the chair, his leg bouncing. When he opened his eyes, they locked on his fingers as he fidgeted with the digits. 

“...Why are you here, Tommy?” Billy finally asked. Tommy didn’t answer, the words locking in his throat and refusing to come out. Billy frowned, his eyebrows creasing. “Are you alright?”

“Can’t a guy visit his brother without it being suspicious?” Tommy quipped once more, dodging the heavy feeling in his gut. Tommy regretted it when Billy rolled his eyes. 

“At eight at night?” Billy asked, his annoyance a bit more prominent. “Tommy, we can hang out literally any other time. I’m tired.” Billy stressed the last part just a bit, making Tommy frown.

That was an understatement. He looked exhausted with the bags under his eyes. It didn’t help that his shirt looked rumpled, and his hair looked like it hadn’t seen a brush that day. And when he wasn’t talking, his face bordered on upset. 

The weight in his stomach grew heavy with guilt. His thoughts raced even faster, beating him over how he couldn’t pick up on it sooner. His breath sped up as well, and he felt a prickle in his eyes. He hopped his feet, already heading for the window. 

“Sorry, I’ll go.” His voice wavered a bit in his rush to spit them out. He moved a bit faster trying to leave, to run as fast as he can. Just until he can’t feel, until he can’t think, until he can’t remember how much of a burden he always was…

Billy’s hands curled around his shoulders, pulling him away from the windowsill. He just let him. He felt the need to run rush from him, and his limbs only felt numb. Billy turned him around to look at him. Unfortunately, that’s when that prickle turned to a tear escaping his eye. Fuck. 

Billy’s expression turned more concerned. “Tommy, breathe.” He pressed, his annoyance gone and replaced by greater concern. Somehow, that hurt more than his thoughts. A sob, quiet but audible, escaped his mouth before he could stop it followed by more tears. 

“Breathe, just breathe. It’s ok.” Billy rubbed a hand on his arm and patted it. Tommy cried his eyes out, fast and messy. Tears and snot poured down his face. Quiet whimpers escaped his mouth. But just as fast as he started, he managed to calm himself down. The emotion passed, leaving him just tired. 

Billy gestured with his hand, a blip of blue light flashing. A tissue box popped into existence and plopped right into his proffered hand. Tommy took one gratefully. 

“You want to sit back down?” Billy asked. Tommy nodded. Billy led him back to the bean bag chair before taking a seat on his bed once more. “You want to talk?” 

Tommy nodded, but he was quiet for a bit. The words still felt stuck in his throat, and his thoughts rushed into a jumble. He took a second to look around, trying to order himself, and then at Billy’s expectant face.

He looked even more tired than before. Tommy frowned. 

“Are you ok?” 

Billy frowned back at him. “Last I checked, you were crying, not me.” 

“Yeah, but…” Tommy wheeled his hands, looking for the words. “What’s a good old sibling talk if it doesn’t go both ways?” 

“...I guess.” Billy sighed with a shrug. “I’m fine, really. Just tired. Now, what’s wrong with you?” 

“...I...just...feel..” The words came painfully slow and stumbling. “Like crap?” Billy suggested. “I guess. Just...sorry, I’m difficult.” Tommy said offhandedly, but the thought angered that weight in his stomach, making him feel...like crap ironically. 

Billy gave him a softer, sympathetic look. “Tommy, you’re not difficult.” 

...Then, why did his parents scream at him so much, curse his name, hate him for the speed he couldn’t control? Why did his mother leave him with someone like that because of how he looked? Then, why did he feel so out of place when the Kaplans tried to fold him into their happy home? Why did he stick out like a sore thumb until he had to run? Then, why was he only at home alone on the run, trying to do the one thing that he was good at? Running until he forgot all about the poking and prodding and screaming until he was hoarse and the parents that left them there to, that didn’t care he was abandoned to a facility of monsters? WHY??...

“...Sorry, it’s just a bad night.” Tommy summed it up. He slumped farther into the bran bag chair. “I...life sucks, you know? It’s unfair.” He felt indignant. 

“Oh, I know. Life is totally unfair” Billy said with a bit of pointed humor. Tommy looked at him oddly. Billy shook his head. 

“Go on.” 

“Just...shit parents.” He wanted to elaborate, wanted to tell just how much the anti mutant rhetoric burned in his memory, how much his resentment weighed on him that they could leave him. 

“Shit parents.” He repeated instead, but it was more than that. It seemed to leak into everything. “At some point, you start to think it’s really you that’s wrong, not them, you know?” 

“I know.” Billy agreed, and Tommy believed him. 

“Everything with them still hurts even though I’m a few years out. Just...why? Why me? What did i do to deserve this?” Tommy asked and then sighed. “It’s selfish, but sometimes, I wish we were Wanda’s actual kids.”

“You are Wanda’s kid.” 

“No, I mean like...growing up in a small town, picket fence, playing in the yard…” Tommy rambled, gesturing his hands, until he found the actual words. “An actual happy childhood with Wanda and Vision, depressing as it sounds. I know she’s trying now that she’s found us, but she doesn’t actually know me.” She doesn’t know how difficult I actually am.

“Tommy...I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” 

Tommy shrugged, his eyes anywhere but Billy’s. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to steady himself. 

“But, Tommy, you have me now. You have Wanda. You have Kate and David and our other friends. Plus, you know my parents would go miles for you like they would for Teddy...I just want you to know you’re not alone. You're loved and if you need anything, we’re here, right?” 

“I know.” Tommy nodded with a sniffle. The words eased the weight a little. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. A few empty seconds passed.

“...So...do you...want to hug it out or something?” Billy asked. 

Tommy snorted despite himself. “Why not?” 

Billy climbed to his feet. He splayed his arms out, the first smile he’s seen on him tonight spreading on his face. “Hug me, brother.” 

“I changed my mind.” Tommy quickly said, but Billy stepped forward anyway. He leaned forward, letting his weight toppled on top of Tommy. 

“Ow, get off!” Tommy said but he laughed shoving at Billy. “What’s wrong with you?” 

“You didn’t stand up to receive the hug. It must come to you.” Billy said matter of factly. He seemed stubborn to crush Tommy under his weight and laugh while he did it. 

Then, a knock startled them both. Billy rolled off of Tommy and looked at the door. 

“Billy, are you alright?” Jeff Kaplan asked. 

“Yeah, Dad. I’m fine!” 

“Ok. Well, dinner’s still out. Your mom is made your favorite if you want to eat. Plus, I think Teddy is looking for that new hero show online.” Jeff said softly. 

“Ok dad.” Billy responded. Billy seemed to deflate at that. Meanwhile, Jeff seemed to linger at the door for a moment. Tommy watched, frozen, waiting until Jeff moved to leave before daring to move. 

“Favorite food and hero shows? Sounds like your jam.” Tommy nudged Billy. Billy grunted, and his face grew that long, sad look again. “Shit, what’s wrong? You love nerd stuff.” 

“They’re going through all this trouble just because I’m lazy.” Billy said. Tommy raised an eyebrow. “I haven’t left my room all day.” 

“Could’ve fooled me.” Tommy teased. Billy didn’t respond. “Seriously, what’s wrong? Where’s your witty comeback?” 

“I’m tired.” Billy complained yet again, but this time, it seemed to click. 

“Ah, that kind of tired.” Tommy patted his back. “That’s not lazy, Billy. That’s just fucked up brain chemistry.”

“I don’t deserve this.” Billy said, pouting. “They’re going through all this trouble for me.” 

“They wanted to do it, because they love you. You didn’t make them do it.” Tommy said. Billy still didn’t respond. Tommy nudged him again and got a whine from him. 

“Come on, brother of mine.” Tommy teased, but inside, he had no idea what to say. The look Billy gave him, dull and lacking his usual spark, made his stomach twist with worry. “Ok. No jokes. Do what you need to.” He patted Billy again. “Just...like you said. We’re here.” Tommy said. Billy nodded.

Billy stayed laid there for a few minutes, and Tommy shifted his weight until he was sitting. His feet started to itch, feeling awkward just sitting there. But just as he was about to climb to his feet, Billy pulled himself up with a groan. Tommy watched him open a drawer on his dresser and dig through the clothes there. He left his bedroom presumably for the bathroom. 

...Leaving Tommy alone and awkward in his bedroom. Tommy took the chance to climb to his feet, shifting his feet and looking around. A part of him wanted to leave now that he’s had enough, but he also didn’t want to leave unprompted for Billy’s sake. 

Outside the door though, he heard Billy’s voice and Jeff’s voice too. Tommy’s worries relaxed a bit. He headed for the window, throwing his leg over the sill. 

The bedroom door opened. “Tommy?” 

Tommy froze wide eyed. Jeff Kaplan stared back at him with Billy behind him. 

“We have a door, you know?” Jeff asked. 

“Sorry.” Tommy said sheepishly. He half expected an angry remark (though he should know better by now), but Jeff just looked amused. 

“Where are you going?” Billy asked. 

“Um…” 

“Dinner’s still warm.” Jeff added. “Did you eat yet?” 

He had not. And even if he hadn’t, his mutation burned calories like gasoline anyway. His traitorous stomach growled.

“...Ok?” Tommy climbed back through the window, feeling far too sheepish for somewhere he was used to. Jeff gestured him along. 

And, that’s how he ended up with a plate of meatloaf and greens at the Kaplan's cozy dinner table. It was a bit more empty than usual with Billy’s younger brothers having been put to bed. Billy was the only one across from him, but Rebecca hung around the kitchen along with a warm, sweet aroma starting to waft in. 

Once Tommy started eating, he blew through the plate, not realizing how hungry he was. And then to make things better, that sweet aroma turned into a tray of snickerdoodles. 

“Mom, you didn’t have to.” Tommy saw the frown fall back on Billy’s face. 

“I wanted to.” Rebecca assured him, squishing him in a one armed hug. “Besides, a bit of baking is relaxing after how work has been.” 

Tommy watched as the two picked up a conversation. Billy seemed to relax a bit, falling into what felt more like his usual air. That made Tommy relax a bit as well. 

But, he also was swiping snickerdoodles as well, so that may be a part of it. He tore through a snickerdoodle and then another, loving the sweet cinnamon and crispy crunch. 

“Woah, slow down, bud. The cookies are not going anywhere.” Jeff chuckled in passing. Tommy paused, a fourth cookie in hand. He looked at it and realized he could easily tear through the rest without thinking, without thinking of anyone else. He put the cookie down. 

Why was he so difficult? 

“Tommy, he was joking.” Billy said. 

“Yeah, there’s plenty. The boys tear through these.” 

Still, Tommy repressed his appetite, not wanting to be a burden. 

Rebecca walked over to him, squeezing his shoulder. “I can send you home with some tomorrow if you like.” 

“Tomorrow?” 

“It’s late. I don’t expect you to go out. You of all people know what could go on out there.” Rebecca said easily with a caring but firm hand. Tommy blinked. 

“Mom, I can just teleport him home.” Billy added.

Tommy shook his head. “No, it’s fine. She’s right.”

He didn’t want to be a bother to his brother for one. That, and he didn’t know how he felt about this. 

“Billy, there you are.” Teddy said. He seemed to perk up seeing Billy. Then, his eyes moved over to Tommy. “Tommy? Hey, when did you get here?” 

“Oh, seconds ago.” Tommy said casually. Teddy looked at him, trying to figure out if he was lying or not. The fact he couldn’t drew a laugh from him. 

Teddy blinked and shook his head, turning his eyes towards Billy. He looked excited. “I found ZantanaVision.” 

“Wait what?” Billy perked up. 

“Yeah, it’s on Stark Plus!” “No, when did that happen?” 

“Today, the first three episodes are up!” 

“We’re watching it.” Billy said suddenly, standing up. “Come on, Tommy.” 

“Me?” Tommy blinked. 

“Yeah, come experience the magic of bad sitcom tropes with us.” Teddy said dramatically. Tommy snorted. 

“You’ve been around Billy too much. His dorkiness is rubbing off on you.” 

“Hey!” 

Tommy stuck his tongue out, and Billy did the same.

“No popcorn for you then.” Teddy snarked as he moved towards the kitchen cabinets. Tommy quickly backpedaled to beg for popcorn flavored forgiveness over his evil, popcorn hoarding laughter.

Soon, they have the show set up in the living room. Tommy expected to be a third wheel, left watching Billy and Teddy interrupt the film by being sickeningly sweet. 

However, he forgot that his brother and his boyfriend were giant fucking nerds. Sure, they were snuggled up on the floor with their backs against the couch, but they were busy trading DC Comics trivia in between scenes of a black and white 60s Zantana twirling around John Constantine. 

...It wasn’t that bad honestly. It felt a lot more lively than his apartment would be. Tommy could relax into the couch at the noise, taking a comfort in it.

It didn’t stop Tommy from flicking popcorn at him. “Hey, nerds. There’s a show playing.” 

And again, they traded sticking out tongues and quips before relaxing again. Their quips continued into the show for a while before Billy fell quiet. Tommy was worried for a second until he peeked over the couch. 

Billy wasn’t frowning at least. He was concentrated on the movie, and he sure looked a lot more comfy curled against Teddy than on his bean bag chair. Teddy rubbed a hand up his arm, holding him in a half hug. 

He must have been very comfy, because Tommy watched his eyes slip closed. Tommy expected him to blink awake. Instead, his breath evened out, a light snore escaping him. 

Teddy smiled softly down at him. He paused the show before shifting himself. Somehow, he got to his feet and managed to scoop up Billy, taking him away into the hallway towards the bedrooms. 

Good for Billy, Tommy smiled. 

Tommy thought that was the end of it, but Teddy came back toting a pillow and a blanket. He offered it to Tommy. 

“Oh, thanks.” Tommy took them.

“No problem. I should probably thank you. Getting Billy out of his room and all.” 

“Ah...that’s giving me too much credit.” Tommy made a face. “I was kind of selfish honestly. I didn’t realize he was that bad when I bugged him.” 

“But, it looked like you helped anyway.” Teddy shrugged. 

“Eh, he helped me more than anything.” Tommy said. That weight in his stomach had gone, he realized. Now, he was more content than anything. 

Teddy smiled warmly. “I’m glad.” He held up the remote. “You want me to turn off the television, or…” 

Tommy made grabby hands at the remote. “Don’t you dare. I wanna see Constantine date the fish man.” 

Teddy laughed. “Who’s the nerd now.” 

“Still you, nerd.” 

Teddy laughed, passing him the remote. He waved a hand before turning back for the hallway. “Goodnight, Tommy.” 

“Night, Teddy.” Tommy replied, and it really was for once. He fell asleep easily, his angry, racing thoughts long quieted for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comment what you think and hit kudos if you liked it!


End file.
